More Than You Think You Are
by eccentric
Summary: About 3 months after the season finale. Roz writes a letter to Frasier explaining the reasons behind her ultimatum. How will he react when he knows the truth? Chapter 4 Now Up!
1. Raindrops of Me

Hello! This is my first Frasier fic, and I know that my GM,M people will be mad that I haven't updated my other story yet, but meh. I don't care. I needed to start this before the premiere, which is in a week!  
  
Title: More Than You Think You Are  
  
Summary: About 3 months after the season finale. Roz writes a letter to Frasier explaining the reasons behind her ultimatum. How will he react when he knows the truth?  
  
Rating: PG I guess!  
  
Feedback: Love it, hate it, tell me. Review and/or email me at kathleen@melaniedoane.com  
  
Thanks to: Matchbox 20 for the title, and also for the song used in this chapter (and that will continue on in other chapters as well). And thanks to "The Frasier Files Transcripts," for all the scripts that caught me up on missed episodes of Frasier, and also for the references to dialogue in the episode "A New Position For Roz" (10.24).  
  
PS: These (~~) are for when there's a flashback, or something else that should be in italics. I have yet to figure out how to get them to work!  
  
******  
  
It's raining again. Just like it has been every day for the past 3 months.  
  
Okay, so it hasn't really been raining for that long, but for some reason I can't remember a time when the sun shined. The last time must have been before he cut me out of his life.  
  
I guess I asked for it. I told him to choose. I just can't believe he picked her.  
  
I hate her. I always have, but the hatred has increased so much more over the last while.  
  
Or maybe I just hate myself.  
  
The rain continues to fall outside my window. All I can do is watch it fall.  
  
In a way, I'm like a raindrop. Falling through a big open space until I finally hit the bottom, breaking against the ground and disappearing into it.  
  
Well, if anything is the bottom, this is it. And all I can keep thinking of is: what if I'm lost here forever?  
  
"Mommy?" my daughter's voice cuts through my thoughts.  
  
"Yes honey?" I reply, turning towards her.  
  
"I'm bored. Can we go visit Eddie and Uncle Martin and Uncle Frasier?"  
  
I sigh, hearing his name. "No honey, not today," is all I can say.  
  
"Why not? I haven't seen them for a year!"  
  
I smile slightly, thinking 'yes, it certainly feels as if it's been a year'. "I know, it's been a while sweetie, but, see, your Uncle Frasier and I, we, well, we sort of got into a fight."  
  
"About what?"  
  
"It's sort of complicated."  
  
"Can't you just tell him you're sorry?" she asks me, her big round eyes looking like a puppy dog.  
  
"I wish I could sweetie, but, well, grown-up problems are a little more difficult. I'll tell you what, why don't you go play with your dollies for a bit and then I'll take you to a movie!"  
  
"Wow! Okay!" she exclaims excitedly, and exits skipping.  
  
I smile for a moment, then turn back to watching the rain fall.  
  
If only I could say I am sorry. If only I could tell him how much I miss him. If only everything could go back to normal, and we could forget about the whole thing.  
  
I reach for the phone and begin to dial his number. It rings once, twice, three times...  
  
He answers.  
  
"Hello?" he says into the phone.  
  
I hang up quickly.  
  
This was not the first time I'd done this. Sometimes I'd call just to see if he was home. Other times, just to hear his voice.  
  
I listened to his show every day, hearing his advice, wanting so badly to call in and ask him if he could forgive me.  
  
But then he'd introduce her and I'd remember why I couldn't call him. I'd remember why I couldn't see him. I'd remember why I'd said what I'd said. I'd remember everything about our fight...  
  
~  
  
"Roz, you have no right to come over here and run her down to me. It's really none of your business!"  
  
"This is my business!"  
  
"And why?"  
  
"Because, we're friends! I can't believe you're turning on me like this! I gave up a job that was ten times better to stay on your show!"  
  
"Yes, and quite frankly, I don't understand that! Why exactly did you turn down that job?"  
  
"Out of loyalty to you!"  
  
"Loyalty to me? Are you sure? Are you sure it wasn't just fear? Are you sure you're not just using me as an excuse not to grow and move on?"  
  
~  
  
I knew he was right. I didn't want to move on. I didn't want to leave him behind with her, knowing that she could so easily take my place. Knowing that she could quite possibly be the woman who stole him away from me, this awful person who I hated, who didn't deserve him.  
  
Not that I deserved him. He obviously knew that, given what his choice was. But the way he did it. It wasn't even a named answer. It was a gesture, with his arm around her, saying he'd have cake. I mean, why would she walk in anyway? She would have been able to hear us yelling!  
  
~  
  
Julia enters happily from the kitchen. "Who wants restaurant cake?"  
  
"You're going to have to choose, Frasier."  
  
"You will not put me in this position, Roz. We will discuss it later!"  
  
"No! Tell me! It's her or me! Tell me now, or I swear to God I will walk out of here and I will not come back!"  
  
Frasier pauses, then walks over to Julia and puts her arm around her. "Thank you, Julia, I think I will have some cake."  
  
"Fine," I say, and I leave.  
  
~  
  
I hate that memory. I hate every memory I have of him. They only remind me of how much better my life was with him in it. And to think, the one who is making memories with him is Julia, well, that just makes me even angrier.  
  
And depressed.  
  
A raindrop hits my window and rolls down the glass onto the sill. It remains momentarily before disappearing amongst countless other raindrops.  
  
That's me. I've smashed and fallen to the ground, and now I've disappeared amongst everyone else down here. I'm just a nameless face, lost and lingering in Frasier's past.  
  
******  
  
Someday they'll find your small town world on a big town avenue  
  
Gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talking to you  
  
Gonna make you break out of the shell cause they tell you to  
  
Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth  
  
They'll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say  
  
They're gonna break your heart, yeah  
  
--Hand Me Down, Matchbox 20  
  
******  
  
Thank for reading this chapter! Let me know if you like it or if you want me to continue. 


	2. The Man in the Picture

Thanks for the reviews! (and Beckinsale, I have not left you yet)  
  
I've decided to continue. There are some POV changes in here, so I'll indicate who is talking when it switches. I'm not sure yet how many chapters this story will be, but it won't be too long. Maybe like, 4 or 5. So anyway, here's chapter 2!  
  
******  
  
It's raining again today. Not that I didn't expect that it wouldn't be.  
  
Although, when I woke up this morning, I thought I saw a tiny ray of light poking through the clouds. But then I saw a flash and heard a boom, and the rain came crashing down once more.  
  
Seattle is such a lovely place.  
  
Well, tonight I'm by myself. Alice is spending the night at her friend's house, which leaves me all alone, wallowing in my misery. The worst part is, I caused this misery. I can't even blame it on anyone.  
  
Well, if I really wanted to, I could blame it on him. I could blame him for ditching me, for choosing a heartless bitch instead of his best friend.  
  
But maybe our roles have switched. Maybe he now sees me as the heartless bitch, and her as his best friend.  
  
If that's the truth, I don't think I can handle it.  
  
I cry silently and watch the raindrops fall outside of my window again. I feel a connection with this weather that so many of us hate. I no longer despise it, but rather sympathize with it. It's not easy being something that nobody loves. It's not easy being all alone in the world.  
  
It's not easy.  
  
And I'm not sure if it ever will be.  
  
****** -Frasier  
  
I sat there, holding a picture of the two of us. She was so beautiful. We look so happy, and it just makes me wonder: How did a relationship that was so perfect go so wrong?  
  
I guess I just got distracted, started ignoring her. I didn't realize her true feelings for me, how she had really felt. I didn't know why she acted the way she did.  
  
But I should have known. I'm a psychiatrist.  
  
My dear sweet Julia, I miss you. Why did you leave me?  
  
I toss the picture aside and see another one, but this time I'm holding a different woman. A woman who is ten times more beautiful, a hundred times more fun, and who hates me a million times more.  
  
Roz.  
  
Another woman who ran out on me. Of course, we weren't romantically involved, so it's not the same.  
  
Yet it hurts the same, or even more.  
  
She was my best friend for 10 years. We were together for 10 years. And then one day, she makes me choose between her and my girlfriend and I choose my girlfriend.  
  
I don't know why I did it. Maybe I was just mad at Roz. Maybe I figured that she didn't really mean it. Maybe I thought that my relationship with Julia was more important; that it could actually go somewhere, lead me to true love.  
  
Well, it didn't. It led me right back to where I started: sad and alone. Except now I'm really alone, 'cause Roz isn't here with me.  
  
The worst part is, I don't even understand why. I don't understand why she asked me that question, why she needed me to choose. It doesn't make any sense to me. It's like she was a girlfriend, jealous of my ex-girlfriend.  
  
But she's not my girlfriend, and she never was, so what was the problem?  
  
Whatever it was, it must have been big. She hasn't spoken to me in 3 months. The only information I get on her is from Daphne, who hardly sees her anymore either. I thought this would have blown over by now.  
  
I guess I should make the first move. Tell her that she was right, Julia was wrong for me. But then that makes me feel like I'm giving in, like it was right for her to put me in that position. Well, it wasn't right. It was awful, and I still can't believe she did it.  
  
I turn my attention back to the picture in my hands and stare at it. I sure do look happy there. So does she. Maybe I should call her...  
  
But instead I rip the picture in two.  
  
Now I'm just a guy with a happy face and no reason.  
  
****** -Roz  
  
Flipping through a photo album I see a picture of the two of us. His arms around me, and smiles on our faces, I look so happy. I miss those days.  
  
If only there were a way to explain everything to him. To tell him everything, without having him interrupt me with questions or psychobabble.  
  
There must be some way...  
  
A letter.  
  
******  
  
From what I've seen  
  
You're just a one more hand me down  
  
'Cause no one's tried to give you what you need  
  
So lay all your troubles down  
  
I am with you now  
  
-Hand Me Down, Matchbox 20  
  
******  
  
This chapter was sort of just to show the way that Frasier is thinking. The next one will be better. Also, you may think the song is irrelevant, but by the end of the whole story you should know how it fits in. 


	3. Here is the Letter That Gives My Reasons

Yes! Frasier premieres tonight! Excellent. So here's an update, for those of you who care to read.  
  
PS: Becky... I'm sorry. I let you down, and it breaks my heart. *sniffle* haha  
  
******  
  
Dear Frasier,  
  
There are some things that need to be said about the sudden break in our friendship. Being as forward as I usually am, you would think that I'd be able to just pick up the phone. Well, I can't. I've tried, but I can't. There is so much that I need to say, and I'll never be able to get it all out without interruption, or breaking into tears. So, I've decided to write you this letter, hoping that you won't rip it up into shreds as soon as you see my name on the return address.  
  
It's been three months since I've talked to you. Since then, my whole life has changed. I'm always working, or taking care of Alice. I never go out anymore. I hardly have any friends. It's not like me. I don't see Daphne, I don't see Niles..... but I don't care, 'cause the only one I care about is you.  
  
You are the only one that I've always been able to count on. You're the one who has stood by me through everything. You held me as I cried about my latest breakup, laughed with me as we reminisced about old times, encouraged me when I was too scared to go after something I wanted, and consoled me each time I was shot down. You were my best friend, my angel, my savior. You were my rock, my ground to stand on. Now I am falling.  
  
I'm not going to pretend that I don't need you or that I don't miss you, because I do, so much. My life without you is almost empty. My reason to keep going is my beautiful daughter, Alice. Looking back, the only way I got through that pregnancy was because of you.  
  
I love you.  
  
And not in the way that I've said it all these years. I don't mean it in the friendly sort of way. I really mean it. I love you. I always have. I just haven't realized it before.  
  
All of those times when we almost, and the one time that we did; they weren't mistakes. They kept happening because of my feelings for you, the ones I never knew were there.  
  
I don't expect anything from you. You've already given me so much. I just want you to know one thing: I didn't give you that ultimatum because I wanted to get rid of Julia (although, I really do hate her, and I still think she's all wrong for you - not that I'm not). I gave you the ultimatum because I wanted you to choose me, and really choose me. I guess on some level, I figured that you would. I'm not sure why.  
  
I'll leave you with this: if you want to, you can call me. You can write me, you can email me, or, you can rip this up and act like you never read it, I don't care. I'm just glad that you finally know. I'm not sure if you'll care or not, but the fact that you know is enough. Thank you so much for everything, and thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope you don't regret it.  
  
Oh, and one more thing.....  
  
I'm sorry.  
  
-Roz  
  
******  
  
I put down the letter in shock.  
  
This can't possibly be from her. Roz? The most stubborn woman in the world? The one who hasn't spoken to me in three months?  
  
She suddenly loves me? And she always has? I can't take this. This is too much.  
  
Call her? What would I even say? I mean, she just walked out of my life, leaving no obvious reason. She made me choose between her and someone else! She left her job hasn't contacted me in months, and now what, she sends me a letter and it's like it's all okay! Like I won't still be mad, like it doesn't matter! I mean, who does she think she is?!  
  
Just then, a picture falls out of the envelope. It's been ripped in two. When I look close, I see that it's the same picture I ripped just days ago. I pick up the two halves and look at them. I see her, this gorgeous woman, her smile like an angel. And I see me, looking just as happy as she is.  
  
I know who she is.  
  
She's the woman I love.  
  
******  
  
Somebody ought to take you in, try to make you love again  
  
Try to make you like the way they feel when they're under your skin  
  
Never once did you think that they would lie when they're holding you  
  
You wonder why they haven't called when they said they'd call you  
  
You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by  
  
You'll start to think you were born blind  
  
-Hand Me Down, Matchbox 20  
  
******  
  
It's short, but whatever. Hope you liked it. Please review! And watch Frasier tonight!! 


	4. 604,800 Seconds

Ahhh... I haven't updated in over two months, and I greet you with a cheap chapter. I'm very ashamed of myself. Anyway, there should be 1 more chapter after this, and then probably an Epilogue.  
  
*****  
  
It's still raining.  
  
I guess that's to be expected. I sent my letter to Frasier a week ago and I have yet to receive a reply. This means one of two things: 1- it got lost in the mail and he never got to read it, or 2- he read it and he doesn't care.  
  
While I would like to believe it's the former, I know that it's the latter. Why did I even write that stupid letter? It's so ridiculous. I mean, did I actually expect him to reply?  
  
I can't believe some of the stuff I said in it. It's really quite embarrassing. I knew he didn't feel the same way, so why did I send it?  
  
The phone rings, so I answer. It's Daphne.  
  
"Hello, Roz, I haven't heard from you in quite a while," she says.  
  
"Yeah, I know," I mumble, my thoughts still lost on Frasier and the letter.  
  
"What have you been up to?"  
  
"Nothing." I sound very disinterested. I wonder if she notices.  
  
"Listen, Roz, the reason I'm calling you isn't to check up on you. Well, it is, but in a different way. Why didn't you tell me you confessed to Frasier?"  
  
"What?" How could she know?  
  
"You confessed to him that you love him!"  
  
"How did you know that? And how did you know I love him?"  
  
"Oh please, it's so obvious that you love him! You're all depressed and mopey and you've been sulking for three months now! And I know you confessed because I have your letter right in front of me!"  
  
Oh no. She has it in front of her. She had read it, which means that he must have read it!  
  
"Oh God," is all I can say.  
  
"It's really beautiful."  
  
"Daphne - how, I mean wha- what are you doing with that? How do you have it? Where did you get it?!" I'm freaking out now. What is going on?  
  
"Calm down now Roz. I was over visiting and it caught my eye. It was sitting on the coffee table. So I excused myself to the bathroom and read it, and I knew I had to call you because this is HUGE!"  
  
"Are you still in his apartment right now?!"  
  
"Yes! Did you think I could wait until after dinner for a thing like this?"  
  
"Well, I didn't even think that anyone would ever read it!"  
  
"You didn't? Well what do you think people do with their mail? I mean, I get a letter and I open it and read it! I don't just chuck it away without seeing what the person had to say!"  
  
"Yeah, well, you might if the person that wrote to you hadn't spoken to you in three months."  
  
"Actually, I think that would make me even more excited to read it," Daphne says.  
  
I think about this for a moment until she begins to talk again.  
  
"So what are you going to do now?" she asks me.  
  
"What do you mean 'what are going to do'? I'm not going to do anything. There isn't anything to do."  
  
"So you're not going to say anything to him?"  
  
"What am I going to say? How do I even know that he read it?" Although I already know that he did.  
  
"Maybe because it was sitting opened on his coffee table! Look, Roz, you need to find out how he feels, because otherwise, you're just going to torture yourself waiting in suspense."  
  
"I'm not talking to him Daphne," I say sternly.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I'm just not."  
  
"But why?"  
  
"Because! I've already told him that I love him, and that I always have and will. I gave him the opportunity to take it or leave it. I left it up to him to call me, or to pretend like he doesn't know me. It's been a week since I mailed that letter. That's seven days; that's one hundred and sixty- eight hours; that's ten thousand and eighty minutes; that's six hundred and four thousand, eight hundred seconds. It feels like a lifetime. If he hasn't responded by now, I already have my answer. He doesn't want me. I don't need to humiliate myself even more by going to him and asking him for an answer."  
  
There is silence on the other end of the phone. I hang up.  
  
And in a way, it's like I gave up.  
  
It's all over now.  
  
****** -Frasier  
  
I have yet to decide what to do about Roz. I realize now that I love her, but can I forgive her? She's put me in misery. She blew up at something that was completely uncalled for, and then shut me out for months. I haven't even seen Alice since then. Oh, how I miss that little girl. I love her almost like she is my own, and being separated from her has felt almost as if I've been separated from Freddie all over again. Which makes me realize...  
  
Being separated from Roz has felt almost as if I've been through another divorce.  
  
This is all so confusing. All of a sudden I'm seeing Roz as more than my friend? I'm seeing her as my wife? Yet I'm still so angry with her for what she did to me.  
  
I reach for the letter and read over it again. My eyes glue to the last words.  
  
-"I'm sorry."  
  
I know that she is.  
  
And I know what I have to do.  
  
******  
  
From what I've seen  
  
You're just one more hand me down  
  
'Cause no one's tried to give you what you need  
  
So lay all your troubles down  
  
I am with you now  
  
-Hand Me Down, Matchbox 20  
  
******  
  
Hmmm.....this time, I won't promise that I'll update soon, in case I don't. But I hope to update soon, because I'd like to finish this story! Please review, and thanks for your patience! 


End file.
